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Lady Love: Oral Sex and the Ever-Elusive Orgasm

Dear Lady Love,

I am 30-years-old, and have been in a wonderful relationship for six months. But, there’s just one problem: No matter how hard I concentrate or how many different techniques my boyfriend tries, I can’t ever seem to reach orgasm during oral sex. Actually, I’ve never been able to achieve an orgasm this way. I am tired of faking it, stopping him in the middle of tasting me and avoiding the act all together just because I can’t get over the threshold. Despite the fact that it feels good, I want to experience what it would be like to orgasm and enjoy these intimate moments, as well as make my boyfriend happy.

What do I do?

Tired of Faking It, Need Some Advice

 

Dear Faking It,

Although most women tend to experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation rather than vaginal penetration, and say they cannot come unless their man “goes down” on them, there are some women out there who still have difficulty reaching that elusive O zone.

Your boyfriend may be doing a good job, but you can’t expect him to do all the work. Instead of approaching the subject by simply mentioning his skills, you should think about what you can do to enhance the experience. For example, you can give your partner guidance while he pleases you or suggest different positions. Communicating what you want and need to climax will lead to more satisfaction for both of you.

You can also be more vocal, tell him you, “love it when he uses his tongue and lips at the same time” or say, “When you touch me like that, it drives me crazy.” Tell him what level of speed, pressure or rhythm you prefer; this will show him how much you want him to make your toes curl. For instance, tell him to flicker his tongue back and forth across your clitoris, then gradually run it up and down your vulva. Countless women swear that when their men use the tip of their tongue to trace circles around their clitoris it drives them to the heights of rapture.

Although the clitoris is the center of attention during oral sex, it’s not the only spot he can focus on: Your boyfriend can stimulate your vagina, your breasts, or even your perineum during the act. If you still can’t reach gratification from these techniques, you may need a little internal stimulation for help to orgasm. Have your man incorporate some G-spot action when and a few “come-hither” strokes of his fingers against your upper vaginal wall.

He’ll be able to tell when you’re close to climaxing by taking notice of the subtle deepening in the color of your labia or by resting his hand on your stomach to feel for the muscular contractions that immediately precede your orgasm.

Debby Herbenick, PhD, a research scientist at Indiana University and author of Because It Feels Good, says sex therapists will often recommend that women take matters into their own hands when their men cannot please them orally. “Women should engage in masturbation, at home alone, rather than with her partner, so she doesn’t feel pressured to ‘perform.’ Often, with practice, women are able to learn to orgasm through self-pleasuring/masturbation exercises with their fingers or with a vibrator.”

Faking your screams of ecstasy in bed to make your boyfriend believe he is satisfying you can be very damaging to your relationship. For one, it means that you aren’t being sexually satisfied, and two, your man never really learns how to help you achieve an orgasm. Sure, you want your boyfriend to be happy, but if he thinks he knows how to make you feel good because you moan and coo with every flick of his tongue, he is going to keep on doing what in actuality doesn’t work, only because he thinks it’s what you want.

To avoid getting more frustrated and disconnected, stop faking it and take a deep breath and relax. Provided that you have a loving, understanding partner, with a little patience and practice, you should be able to reach an orgasm in no time.

Lady Love is not a medical doctor, licensed psychiatrist, counselor, therapist, reverend, or rabbi. She has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and her words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. However, L.L. does know a lot about sex, loves hearing from you, and adores answering your questions. Leave her a comment or send an email to LadyLove@knoworthy.com. Or follow Lady Love on Twitter:@KW_LadyLove.

 

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